Moved on? Lying..

I thought I'd finally started to move on. This week other than Monday, I'd stopped myself from calling him, messaging him or even bugging his friends. I had a few days to think and I told myself I was very irritating. Wasn't thinkin straight. Sorry Kevin. Don't even know if he comes my blog anymore. I won't ever know. I really thought I had started to forget him. The pain wasn't that pain anymore. I was finally beginning to realise what I'd missed out when I'm with him. I went for rebonding on Wednesday, I went facial yesterday and was supposed to go for dental checkup today but I don't have the mood to anymore. Today was supposed to be our 1 year and 3 months together. I really missed him. I've stopped crying since Monday..but today, I broke down again. I'd done alot of thinking..I know I'm in the wrong..but I was given no more chance to repent. I'm like condemn..it's really demoralising. I'm so tired..mentally, physically..my appetite getting worse and worse..I've no more strength..I don't wish to lie to myself..I look strong, I look ok but I really miss him and want him back. I come to realise it a little too late but he's the one I've always been looking for. Someone to share my life. My ups and downs. Someone whom I'd been able to compromise with. None of my ex had this priviledge. Darryl told me yesterday, that in a guy's opinion, I'd stretched Kevin's limit over the limit. And by repeating the same mistake over and over again, he won't be able to take it. Can I turn back clock? Please..find a time machine for me. I dreamt of him this morning..dreamt that he came back to my side today. He gave me a plastic lily..to represent ever-lasting relationship and never-dying love towards me. But I know it won't come true. His best friend just dropped a bomb..he told me that Kevin is really happier w/o me. I'd drove Kevin away with my temper. I'm condemn.....

For Kevin

This is for Kevin. If you're reading this then good..if not..you guys can read how great a bf he is and stop criticising him infront of me. I know you guys are trying to lessen the hurt, but it hurts more when you guys are talkin bad about the man I love deeply.
Kevin, I remembered on 11th Sep 2004, it was a Saturday. The previous night we made plans to have breakfast together. The next morning both of us woke up late. You still went to Holland V Breko to buy me breakfast at 11+am. You came over to my neighbourhood and bought me 3 stalks of white lily. Then you came up to my house and thought I was sleeping. But my dad woke me up when he opened the door for you. I know at the moment then that I'm about to receive flowers from you. You came into my room and kissed me lightly on my cheeks and saying 'Good morning dear. Time to wake up. See what I'd gotten for you' I saw the flowers and breakfast..I was so touched. And you wished me happy 1 month anniversary.
On 11th Nov 2004, exactly a year ago, you and I went to mount faber to get a cup of coffee. They were closed. We went to the petrol station at the foot of Mt Faber and bought drinks, mine being green tea and yours being the sugar cane. We drove into Sentosa beach..Tanjong Beach. There were no other cars in sight. Everywhere was pitch black. You took my hand and walked to the beach. We each dug a hole and sat our bums in it. That was the first time for both of us in our 22 years of life to actually sit at Sentosa with our partners under the stars. The whole sky was lighted up..like my heart. It was then I felt really really loved, really blissful.
On 24th Dec 2004, you picked me up from Kaki Bukit where I was having lunch with Huiling. You told me you'd no money to buy me present. But days before you'd already given me the game that I always wanted to buy but had no money to. The sims 2. As me and Huiling walked down the overhead bridge, I saw you waving a bouquet of flowers. I rushed down the stairs, almost tripping almost hurting myself. You really know how to make me happy. It was truly a surprise to see the flowers. Lilies again. That night I had a party at my house. Before that I went to your house and we slept together, hugging each other tight till we forgot time. That was also the night you kena summon for not putting parking coupon. That night we went out with my friends..and went out till late. We even went back to your company to bring food for Larry. That was the first time I stepped foot into your camp. Even though we sat near the guard's house, I felt as if I learnt something new about you. Made me feel closer to you.
On another occassion, don't remember the date, you'd to go back camp to take your uniform, boots and help your campmates too, cause you were going to Khatib camp the next day. I went with you at 10+pm. You snuck me in. Or rather we went in boldly cause you happened to know the officer on duty that night. You brought me for a quick tour of your work area and finally to your bunk. I felt a sense of warmth when I imagine you working there in the morning in your overalls and ciggy in your mouth while talking to me on phone. I felt warmth when I walked up the stairs to your bunk, and I told myself..I'm doing something now that you do everyday at least twice. I felt closer to you. It was even funnier when your friends thought you were lying about me being there till they heard my voice. We had a great laugh after that. Most importantly, I realised that I know you better..I can imagine you running down the stairs, skipping the last 2-3 steps, jumping around in your overalls. My heart ached when I realised you do not have proper bed in the bunk..not even a mattress. Saw your locker it was clean and tidy. Unlike those we normally see in TV..where they paste alot of posters. I really missed those days.
On 14th Feb 2005, I was getting Cinnamon back to my house and celebrating WX's bday. You called and asked where was I. I told you I'm at home..and in turn I asked you where were you. You told me you were taking a smoking break. I didn't suspect anything cause when you had a smoking break you'd always call me. My friends were over at my house..chatting and suddenly you knocked on the door. When I opened the door I saw half dozen of pink tulips staring at me. Then you jumped out. The previous night you had already given me the present. A bottle of 188 stars which you did yourself. You even wrote me a letter. What does 188 represent at that time? Only both of us will know. You were that sweet. I thought I won't receive flowers le. That was the first time I ever received flowers from my boyfriend on Valentine's day. First time ever. Everyone envied us. My mouth couldn't stop smiling. That night we had a great time and ended up at Geylang eating Dim Sum at 126. Memories. They hurt alot when you left. Smiling and crying while typing this.
On 22nd March, I went to your house and gave you a surprise. Those presents that I gave you weren't meaningless. I bought each and everyone of them on different occassions over a period of 3 weeks. I planned everything for 22nd. First time in my life that I cook mee sua for anybody on their birthday. Parents oso never had that on their birthday. I remembered you sleepin and me creepin in to kiss you on your forehead. You had a late night the previous night..I know cause you came to meet me at 11+ close to midnight. Wanted to buy for you a Diesel watch which you'd been aiming everytime we walk past it in Tampines. But I didn't have the dough to buy it. The card took me 2 days to make. You don't know how many pieces of paper I'd thrown away. I cut myself but seeing you so happy on your special day made me happy also. Who could forget me bringing the cake out to you and singing a birthday song to you? I could feel love coming from your eyes when you looked at me that moment. Could see you were touched. We had fun..wild wild fun that day.
On 25th March, you took me out to meet your friends. They gave me an early present. The book is still at your house. It doesn't really help does it? Initially it does..but both of us just soon chuck it oneside. There's a few things I wrote inside that I think you didn't notice. You presented me with my present 1 day earlier. It had a birth cert. It was Xiang. Xiang, born in 11th Aug 2004. Father is Yongxiang, mother is me. Xiang carried a message from you. Till this day I hope it will come true. But I don't think so le..coz I'd hurt you too deeply.
26th March I had BBQ. You helped me. I got pissed off now and then because you like abit nonchalent. That night you helped me PR with my friends. I was really grateful. Friends told me that I'd a very good boyfriend and I should treasure you. I didn't treasure you then. I took it for granted. I was really proud of you. I was following your movement. What I saw was a man I could count on, to depend on and to rely on. I really feel like kissing you and tellin you how much I love you. But nobody can measure love. If it's measure by depth, my love for you would be a bottomless pit....
11th Aug 2005, you asked me over to your house. You locked me outside your bedroom. We were like kids..you hiding something and me wanting to find out. When you finally asked me into your room, I saw a bouquet of roses, a card and a box. That was the biggest bouquet of flowers I'd ever received from anybody. 11 stalks of red roses and 1 stalk of pink roses. My reaction wasn't what you wanted..cause I didn't know the meaning behind buyin roses when I hated them. When I knew it my heart really melted. You couldn't see it. But it melted. You told me not to read the card till I get home at night. At that point I couldn't wait to go home. You weren't someone who could pen down thoughts and feelings. You weren't good with words. When I saw the necklace I was so touched. It was something that I had said looked pretty while we were shopping outside. It was unique..there's nobody else in the world that could have the same item as me. You made alot of effort..changing it from a hp accessory to a necklace. It was in my favourite color. The word "lian" represented our love. Baby..that day I really melted you know? We went for dinner at Mondestros. It was my treat but I was elated. I didn't want the night to end. Or rather everytime I meet you I don't want you to leave. I can't bear to. I just want you to be my side longer..but now you'd left for good.
These are not the only happy memories that I remembered. I remembered us walking along East Coast, we went to the very far end. There were students camping. We had a long talk there..that time you bought rojak and sugar cane juices..we sat down and talk and eat. That was the first time we went to the beach and talk. That's not the last though..I'm glad. We talked..I cried, you wiped away my tears and kissed me. You were so tender.
End of Aug 2005, we started quarreling very often, due to my stress from school, my parents and your parents (I wanted to show ur parents something..that I can handle both work and play), you and etc etc. I was rash. I took it for granted that whenever we quarrel, you'll be ok in awhile. I didn't know as time goes by, I'm stretching and testing your limits. I really had no idea. I thought you were ok with it. After my exams, we went to look for jobs together. I started getting naggy. Esp after Theresa's incident. I got possessive. I was scared that you'd leave me. I was always suspicious, hence all the quarrel. I never wanted you out of my sight. I made you report to me. Seriously, if I were you I would feel that I'm suffocating too.
Today is our 1yr 3months together. Thing is we're no longer together. I thought I could walk away, show you a different side of me to you. Show you that I can be independent, that I'm really sorry. I was always hoping you'd want me back. I know I was very irritating the first few days. I wasn't thinkin straight. I wasn't even thinking. All I knew then was a part of me was gone. I realised then that you were the best. It's just that I didn't know how to treasure you then. I want to treasure you now..but you're not giving me this chance. You're scared..so am I. I understand your fears. Thomas told me that you're stopping yourself from wanting me and he don't know why. I told him the reason. I'd hurt you too deep. It hurts whenever someone you love quarrels with you all the time, that your partner never seemed to be satisfied with whatever you do and don't treasure you. My baby..I do love you..just that I didn't treasure you enough to see that you're my precious. I know you're happier now. It hurts me to know that..but at least you're happier. I've tried to be happy too, but I couldn't. Today I broke down..Had been crying for 2 hours le..realised that I'm really in the wrong. But give me this chance to show that I've changed..180 degrees..let your love towards me grow again can? Damn I'm being irritating again. I know I'd caused a wound in your heart and even if we get back together, there's a number of things to think thru. I believe that compromise can solve anything. Remember we made plans about me going over to Aust next March to celebrate your birthday? And you coming back in June to attend my graduation ceremony? And either one of us going/coming to celebrate our 2nd yr together. And after you grad, we promised to go backpacking around Aust de..we made plans..we said to write letters everyday..to chat on msn..to call each other..I was planning to pop by often so you won't feel that lonely....you also thought the same before..your last testimonial to me you wrote that I'm dearest to you and that's why you called me dear..and that's also the reason you keep procastinating the thought of breaking up with me..dear I still love you....I'm sorry. I know no matter how much sorry I say is not going to help..only actions can prove it but only you can allow that to happen..I really repent le..I realised my mistakes le..Kevin........

It's the end!!

My relationship ended. This time for real. No more patching. Worried for me? Don't worry. If you hear me crying or see me crying, just let me be. I'll be okay in awhile. Not crying cause I'd been ditched. Crying cause I've been hurt. Someone whom I'd trusted so much keeps betraying my trust over and over again. Maybe I'm just stupid. Stupid me!!! Broke up on Thursday. Thursday nite met up with John and he gave me alot of presents. Thanks! Thursday I was still ok till I went home. I was immediately reminded of him. He was so determined to leave me. No matter what I said or do can't get him back. Called him again on Friday. I told him I'm willing to wait for him to go Aust and come back. It's only a year. Even if he wants to continue to do his masters, I'll wait. But I didn't realised what was in store for me last night. It broke my heart, tore it into millions of pieces and got treaded on by thousands of feet. I'm that hurt.
Crying does help. After a big cry, I packed everything he'd given me, still got another necklace which I can't find. Fuck. Packed everything le, and I'm intending to just return him. Either tml or something. Maybe tml. Go up to his house and just leave everything there. It hurts more to have them over at my house. Part of me is wishing he won't throw it away, and hopefully when the right time comes he'll give them back to me together with his heart. Wait. I'm dreaming again. This ain't any of the romance novels that I so love to read. This has no happy ending. As reality hits me once again, I'm crying. why must I be treated this way? What had I done to deserve this?!?! God! I'm not that strong to withstand this ok!
Thanks to John, Thomas, Erin, Suefong and Huiling. Ok..the first 3 people had made sure I went out instead of moping at home. Had a great time with thomas and erin at Orchard Swensens just now. Thomas very nice to me..he treated me to dinner which in the end I gave the money to Erin and asked her to return him. Thank God they asked me out else I know I won't even touch a morsel of food. I'm that devastated. But not enough for me to go kill myself. I tried hitting my head against the wall last week when we quarreled. The pain don't come when you're banging against the wall. It hurts AFTER that. Pain. That's wat I'm feeling now. Just wana break down for a few days. Bear with me my friends.

My life?

What's to become of my life since part of me left? He was the reason why I worked so hard for my exams. He's the reason why I wanted to go Uni, wanted to find a job and everything. Now that he's gone..well the more I should do all these. Not for him but for myself. While typing this..I'm thinkin should I keep the teddy bear he gave me. Damn. I'm thinkin with my heart again. He's the man that I loved most. I thought he was THE ONE. Apparently it needs both party to think this way before it could work out. Our relationship just wasn't strong enough to withstand anything. I'm disgressing.
Well, I just have to walk each day alone, until there's another guy is willing to walk with me. Maybe a few years down the road I'm back with kevin again. *Wishful thinking* I just can't get him out of my mind..I love him...love him too much to let go so willingly....