It's the end!! My life?
My relationship ended. This time for real. No more patching. Worried for me? Don't worry. If you hear me crying or see me crying, just let me be. I'll be okay in awhile. Not crying cause I'd been ditched. Crying cause I've been hurt. Someone whom I'd trusted so much keeps betraying my trust over and over again. Maybe I'm just stupid. Stupid me!!! Broke up on Thursday. Thursday nite met up with John and he gave me alot of presents. Thanks! Thursday I was still ok till I went home. I was immediately reminded of him. He was so determined to leave me. No matter what I said or do can't get him back. Called him again on Friday. I told him I'm willing to wait for him to go Aust and come back. It's only a year. Even if he wants to continue to do his masters, I'll wait. But I didn't realised what was in store for me last night. It broke my heart, tore it into millions of pieces and got treaded on by thousands of feet. I'm that hurt.
Crying does help. After a big cry, I packed everything he'd given me, still got another necklace which I can't find. Fuck. Packed everything le, and I'm intending to just return him. Either tml or something. Maybe tml. Go up to his house and just leave everything there. It hurts more to have them over at my house. Part of me is wishing he won't throw it away, and hopefully when the right time comes he'll give them back to me together with his heart. Wait. I'm dreaming again. This ain't any of the romance novels that I so love to read. This has no happy ending. As reality hits me once again, I'm crying. why must I be treated this way? What had I done to deserve this?!?! God! I'm not that strong to withstand this ok!
Thanks to John, Thomas, Erin, Suefong and Huiling. Ok..the first 3 people had made sure I went out instead of moping at home. Had a great time with thomas and erin at Orchard Swensens just now. Thomas very nice to me..he treated me to dinner which in the end I gave the money to Erin and asked her to return him. Thank God they asked me out else I know I won't even touch a morsel of food. I'm that devastated. But not enough for me to go kill myself. I tried hitting my head against the wall last week when we quarreled. The pain don't come when you're banging against the wall. It hurts AFTER that. Pain. That's wat I'm feeling now. Just wana break down for a few days. Bear with me my friends.
What's to become of my life since part of me left? He was the reason why I worked so hard for my exams. He's the reason why I wanted to go Uni, wanted to find a job and everything. Now that he's gone..well the more I should do all these. Not for him but for myself. While typing this..I'm thinkin should I keep the teddy bear he gave me. Damn. I'm thinkin with my heart again. He's the man that I loved most. I thought he was THE ONE. Apparently it needs both party to think this way before it could work out. Our relationship just wasn't strong enough to withstand anything. I'm disgressing.
Well, I just have to walk each day alone, until there's another guy is willing to walk with me. Maybe a few years down the road I'm back with kevin again. *Wishful thinking* I just can't get him out of my mind..I love him...love him too much to let go so willingly....