To all those people who were concerned about me (eg. Grace, John, Rui Hao, Darryl, Victor kor, Thomas Mah, Erin, Hong Ye *surprisingly* and a few others whom I can't remember) thank you. A very big thank you to you guys!
*BIG HUG + WET KISS*
I was done with my life at that point and to make matters worse, the love of my life whom I've ditched refused to beg me back anymore. But we resolved that matter within 2 days cause I was too miserable without him!! *Hate to admit..argh* My ego dropped alot that night I asked to take back my words. We were ok on Thurs..or should I say Friday cause it was around 2am then we talked things thru.
Anyway exams on Monday, first paper that is. Study till sian..no heart to study liaoz. To all those taking exams, GOOD LUCK!! Those NOT taking CKTCS, FUCK YOU. That means your paper starts on Thursday! Fuck you fuck you! Some guys have all the luck. Anyway I'm about to sleep soon..going to 3 days le..3 days no meet him. I do miss him but I've a feelin inside of me that's excited with what I'm about to face after I grad. If I pass my papers this semester WITHOUT sup papers, I would OFFICIALLY grad next FRIDAY!! Finally can say sayonara to TP! 5.5 years le..it's a part of me le. Time to sleep le! Reminder: To all those doing FYP report, please remember to bind it and hand in before 12th Sep. Hand in to who please tell me hor thank you! LoL. Miss you guys!!
Today's a sunny day, but that can't be said for my feelings. I was feelin blue the whole day, wearing a mask of smile so my friends won't notice. Today went for morning lab, supposed to hand in project today and have the project interview, but I haven't done yet. Then Hong Ye came, and wanted to patch up circuit, so he went to his locker to find got breadboard or not, when he came back he was smiling. He told me he found the CKTCS project from last year, meaning we no need to patch up! We tried and tested it, but TanTS wasn't happy with the product and told us to change the resistance value. We calculated the value to be 20K and 2K resistors and we change and VOILA! The project is done! The report not done finish yet though..going to do tml since I'll be free.......supposed to have something on today as well as tml..but then.......
After class went lecture, got bored there so HY suggested that we go eat. Me, Han Sim and Hong Ye drove to opposite school to eat. HY's new car so cute! So small and look so round..the Mitsubishi Colt 1.5l. Yellow somemore, very cute lohz. All the time I was restraining myself from calling him. Some things are best to let go by forgetting. went to Dexian's house after lunch and he took such a long time to open the door cause he went back to his room to wear clothes when he knew I was there. LoL. Went in to see Cinnamon's parents and sister. They looked so small! Muahaha..maybe cause Cinnamon is fat. I realised that Cin takes after the father's looks and the mother's build. No wonder she so cute. Muahaha. After that HS and Dexian have to go back school for EPS, which sadly I'm not involved, so HY sent me to the bus stop to take bus home.
I'm supposed to go see doctor now, but well, some people don't like facing up to reality. I'm one of them. Don't want the doctor poking up my asshole to find out what's wrong with me. It's just blood in stools what. Maybe I don't drink enough water, maybe not enough fibre..maybe? Thing is my lower left abs have been hurting lately..my doctor told me once that if it hurts it means something's wrong with my intestine, both big and small. Sigh..don't wish to know lah. Now I'm abit more relieved le, left one more project interview to go then exams le. Hope it'll be over soon before my elf dies on me else the elf won't be the only one that's dead.........I really no strength to carry on, esp after what happened last night..lagi no strength cause he'd been my strength too..thing is he's now gone and my ego's stopping me from asking him to be back. Yes, face is important to me..I've always potrayed an image of a survivor and strength to others..thing is I've no more strength le, I'm so tired of acting strong..I'm not strong enough, please someone help me................................
I'm feeling depressed. I want go die. But somewhere inside my head a little elf is asking me to be strong. He's going to be overpowered soon. I just can't take it anymore. I seriously need a shrink. Can't take anymore of this shit. Everyone's been lookin down on me, making jokes about my studies..saying my parents don't wana finance me bacause of my bad record in TP. So what if I'd spent 5.5yrs there? Does that mean I'll be condemn for life? It's not funny even though I'm smiling off the joke. You see, the elf is telling me to forget what people say, I know it best. But after these few days, I'm thinkin to myself, maybe they're right. I'm a condemn person. That does not bode well. Elf is weakening. I'm so depressed..more depressed than anyone would ever know.
Yesterday I was applying for SIM's BENG (Hons) in Electronics. Was told to choose 2 courses. Asked Kev about it and he replied that I keep saying I don't want to study, so why apply? I was crushed. Just one word, CRUSHED. My world came tumbling down. I'm feeling more depressed than ever. Elf is dying. He has no more strength to ask me to carry on even though I should. I should show what I can do..what I'm good at..and excel at those I'm weak at..but...I'm just too tired. Didn't even go school today. I have being a failure..I hate being me. Most of all I hate those people for discouraging me and making me feel worse. Hear that people? You take responsibility for ANYTHING you said!!
Breaking down..I'm really breaking down..help..don't wish to end it this way..I still have things to do..I want go HK Disneyland..I want to have my own car..I want to have a degree..I want..I just want to go die..........