Last night..Yesterday..The past

Friday night he came over to my house and stayed overnight. Slept until morning 11+am then wake up. But then again on Friday I slept at 0330hrs. Him? He slept earlier of course. Tried to wake him up 2 times, then pek cek le so I fell asleep also. Woke up at 7+am then went back to sleep again. Woke up le, he played with Cinnamon, and it looked as if he didn't want to go. That's so nice, he loves my rabbit. Went market eat chicken rice and I went home. He told me he's going to his aunt's place for dinner, and asked if I want tag along. I didn't want to. So I stayed home and played game, checked on my mail, prepared on my monday meeting and clear up my room. Stupid Cinnamon made a mess in my room, even though she's locked up in a cage. I give her 1 more month to behave, else...you guys will be in for a treat! Roast rabbit meat! LoL.
I stayed home whole night, till my father asked me why I didn't go out. See? Me going out on Sat night had become a norm that my parents expect me to be out. He called at 10+pm, telling me that Terence and Thomas wana meet up over a cup of coffee at Selegie. Ok lohz..and since he don't have car, I went down myself by taking bus. My God, first time I know that 23 operates late at night..1140pm liao still got bus. Went that chat awhile about life after NS (for them) and life after poly for me. I want to study, I really do. But I'm to support my own studies as my parents are too old. They're not actually very old, but my mom's been complaining that she's old, her visions are blur, she wana retire. Aiyoh, with this kind of constant reminder, who dares further studies? I've already planned my route le. Grad, go overseas (if still with him then go with him, else it's my classmates or alone le) then look for job. Maybe work 1-2 years, get experience, study private degree at NTU bah. I want study at New South Wales lehz..and I've made a verbal agreement with Huiling that we shall be classmates again in 2007. Together with Eugene, CY, Jack they all. Huiling wants to study in SMU, which is one of the sch Kevin applied. If he's in that school, I won't study there. Why? 2007, if we're together, the more I shouldn't study there. He attracts girls like bees to honey, duck to water and shit to assholes. I don't wish to feel more threatened than I already am. It's a better way of saying that we need our own space. If we're not together, the more I don't wish to see him right? To see the guy you've loved most and thought of settling down with hugging another girl, kissing another girl hurts alot. I've been thru that. It's never a nice feeling.
Oh yah guess what? One of my ex married le. I didn't feel anythig when I saw his ROM pics. Guess after all these years I've long put him in my past. I thought she was a lucky girl, holding onto a bouquet of purple tulips that I thought was bought by him, for it's his rule never to buy flowers for girls. I was wrong, still the egoistic guy he was, is and shall be, he didn't buy her any flowers. She bought herself the flowers for her own ROM. I never knew such sucky guy and such stupid woman existed. Well they've proved that sucky guy and stupid woman do make a good match. Too bad I'm not a stupid woman. Ok back to the story..

Jealousy..It's never a good thing...

Sigh. Why get jealous so early on a Sunday? It's gonna spoil my whole day le. But being a good actress I can always fake happiness. Steady? Shui steady. Faking is so easy. So many times I've cried and so many times I've told him it's because I'm tired that's why my eyes are tearing. So many times my heart was torn to pieces and I can still laugh and joke with my friends. So many times I wanted to give up on this relationship, but I can portray as if I have a blissful relationship. Truth is, I've wanted to give up during the first month when we were still unstable. Ok..what did he actually do or say today? He didn't do anything or say anything. It's just that there's this big jar in his room and I happened to go thru the items inside. He told me he had threw away everything JL or any of his ex had given him, but inside the jar, other than the christmas card me and sue had given him (each) and the ticket to Sentosa on V-day, I saw loads of letters JL had written to him. In fact I've only gone thru half the pile when I decided to write this blog. I've to admit, her artwork is good. Good enough to be on greetin cards. They're simple and nice, and oh-so-sweet. Read a few, about 3-4 letters..or maybe more..who would go count at a time like this? I don't feel like asking him about it, for sure he'll say he wants to keep as a rememberance. Rememberance of what? Of the sweet times they had? Or was he trying to recall what he'd said to her so that he could say it to me? Damn! My heart's hurting like mad liaoz. Need to find someone to talk to. Maybe Karleong. Karleong had known me like the back of his own hands. We've been best buddies since age of 15..that's 8 fucking long years. Just a nod or a stare in the eye, he'd surely know what I want. That's my good brother. Sigh. Will call him later then.
He said he've thrown away everything..why are the letters still there? He lied to me. I've read a part where she claimed that he intends to have kids with her. I feel so..unspecial. Seriously, the other day HL was just saying that I should go SMU and study together with my laogong. I told her, he's just my bf. Everything in the future seemed so bleak to me. And seriously, I don't even know if he's THE ONE. I just don't know anymore. I'm so tired. He don't seemed to be planning for our future, he've man y dreams he needs to fufil. I've mine too. I want to have a car, to drive my mom around, I need to pay my dad's CPF, I want to go Paris, go USA, go LA, go Australia, go Japan, go Africa, go Spain..I want to have a family, kids..all before I turn 30. I want to have a home most importantly.
Thing is I'm not sure anymore if the home will be set up together with him. I'm just not sure anymore. With me going jealous over every little thing, I don't know how long can I stand it before I go insane. Never get an attractive guy..never get a sweet tongued gyu..never get a guy with both personalities. I'm so lost. Can someone tell me what to do? Where to go? I feel as if I'm another JL..doing the same things and hearing the same thigns he had done or said to her. Argh!! I'm going crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!