Yay!! My license is ONE YEARS OLD!! Today is the day that I finally get 24 points instead of the 12 points which I had. Today is the day my license is OFFICIALLY ONE YEARS OLD!! Muahhaha..drivers on the road, watch out!!
School started le!! Argh!! Seriously, I'm getting stressed. First day of sch and I'm so stressed up till I actually broke down and cry. I'm really trying hard to understand what the fuck my lecturers talking about, but failed. I feel so...argh!! 2 more days.. Stressed Up.. Give up..Not to give up..
It's a black, rainy and dull day, just like how I'm feeling right now. Had a tiff with Kevin. Feel as though nobody loves me anymore nor does anyone understand me. I hate the world, and most importantly I hate myself.
Yes! I'm finally taking off my P-plate in 2 days!!! You know the yellow squarish thing with a bright orange triangle inside it? The very same ones that you see inside cars and you don't know why but just love to curse and swear at them when they overtake you to drive even slower than you actually had? No no..I don't overtake people then purposely drive slowly infront of them. I'm just a madwoman on the loose behind the wheel. I've paid $79 in total for fines and I've beaten red lights countless of times. Thing is, I only drive an average of twice a month. LoL. I've made my parents hold on to the seats and dashboard when I drove in M'sia and I've made Kevin screamed at me countless of times when I just zoomed past a stationary object so close that you could stretch out ur hand and touch it. Come on, I was trained by the best k. Going 1 year le, I have no bad records nor had I met with accidents. Choy..better not meet with any man. Choy! Anyway very happy..cause it took me 3 times and about 2k+ before I actually pass my driving.
School is giving me alot of stress. Ok ok..not school. Friends! LoL. Nah..my friends are all concerned about me. Sometimes I think back, most of my classmates have graduated. What am I still doing in school for? For 6 fucking subjects that I could have taken last semester if I had been good and study hard. Sometimes I see myself as a failure. Most of the times I can't help it but just hate myself. Such a failure. Tsk tsk. *Start crying*
Many of my friends see me, they asked me how many CU (credit units) I have this semester. I told them 24, then they start telling me to study hard, dun fail, dun slack and all those shit. Some even asked me not to get involved in any CCA or any other activities. I stepped down from Atomic liao lehz..dun worry. I'm studying hard, thing is I don't understand!!! *Sob* People people, thee shall not worry about thou for thou shall study hard and I promise!!!
Sometimes, I really feel like giving up. Not on myself, but in m relationship with Kevin. Maybe our goals are different or maybe we think differently, but I seriously need assurance about the future. Ok ok..I've been dying to get married. Come on..I'm 23. Not 13. Women are like milk k..at 21 they're fresh milk, 26 they're stale milk, 28 they're sour milk, 30 they're yoghurt, and anything above 30 is cheese. By the way, cheese is mouldy milk. See!!! Whenever Zizhang asked how we're planning for the future, I usually keep quiet. I know Kevin always thinks that he..duno lah. He just thinkgs that he's in army now, there's no future to think of until he gets out of the army. For me, I prefer to think further ahead and work towards my goal.
Recently, I've been hording the thought of being a spinster. When I start working I have the money, I have the career. I do not need any guy to provide for me. Anytime I need to share my woes or happiness, there's always friends. How about sex you ask. There's always One Night Stands available right? Why I think this way wor? You would too if your boyfriend keeps telling you that he wants to marry you but there's no planning. It's just like an empty check. Yes yes I'll marry you, I want to marry you, thing is you've to wait and wait and wait. Wait till I'm financially stable, wait till I buy a house, wait till I buy a car..ok! Now we can get married. Oh you're 32 already? Let's not have any honeymoon period, just get to having babies ok? Now you're 34, look after the kids and stop going out to play and drink coffee with your friends. *Wakes up screaming*
I don't want that to happen. I've always wanted to get married by 26. TWENTY SIX!!! That's just 3 years away. First day I'm with Kevin, I drop the age by 2 years. Ok..I'll get married latest by 28, else I won't get married at all. 28 lehz! I sound so old lohz!!! Don't know lah, maybe it's because he really don't want to think or what. But seriously I feel very insecured in this matter. Everytime my friends asked me when I'm getting married I just laughed it off saying I'm becoming a nun. But deep down inside I'm crying and screaming "I WANT TO GET MARRIED! THING IS MY BOY'S NOT READY! I'VE TO WAIT & WAIT!!!!!"
It's always waiting when I'm around with Kevin. Waited for 3 months to be with him officially..have to wait for him to say the right things to me..have to wait to do this, to do that. It's never now. Now is never in his dictionary. I'm more of a now person than he is. So it's really starting to affect our relationship. Sometimes just feel like giving up. I'm too impatient..but after 9mths plus of waiting, I don't see why I'm wrong to feel this way. With him, when he's in the mood, I feel very very happy and loved, and when he's not in the mood, I don't even want to think about it. Getting ignored, getting let down, you name it I've faced it. Seriously, this is the first time I've cried so much for a guy over the course of only 9 mths. I'm tired. I want to be cared for, I want to be protected, I want to be looked after and not the other way round. I'm just so tired..maybe I need a time out from relationships for a while..maybe find out what I need. My dreams of getting married by age of 26 is confirmed out..my next dream? Kill myself..
First and foremost, let me sing a song to our birthday girl, Huiling! Happy birthday to you..Happy birthday to you..Happy birthday to yyyyyooooooouuuuuuuuuu....Happy bird-day to you! 21 liao hor! Don't call me a nag but you're old enough to take care of yourself. Now that you've graduated, I can't meet up with u during lunch or after school to give you advice, both bad and good le understand? Most importantly, never, never let anyone hurt you. In this man-eat-man world, you've to look out for one person and that's yourself. Call me selfish, whatever, I've been thru too many things that had hurt me in any ways you can think of. Was hurt enough to even try committing suicide, that's how painful it was for me.
Will be celebrating her birthday with the rest of our gang at Bakerzin, One Fullerton. Then it's off to Aloha Loyang B15 for 3 days 2 nights!! LoL. Tml still have to pick up the car at Yishun. Sigh. Things I do for friends. Wait a minute, I'm not that holy either. I love driving, not because I just had my license (I had my license for almost a year! Just 29 more days to a year) but because I love to go for spins since I was young when my dad used to have a car. I love to hold the steering wheel and pretend that i'm driving. Secondary school I love to start my father's car for him in the morning and go for rides. See, I love cars since I was young. I actually had a remote controlled jeep when I was younger. Enough said. I'm so lookin forward to tml..Once again happy birthday girl!!